Wanna go self-awareness time travelling with me?

I have been riding the wave of feeling more energised and like I’m coming out of an unintentional (but desperately needed) hibernation and then weaving my way through another patch of wobbly emotional confusion.

Once again I am reminded that I’m a cyclical, hormonal, seasonal being and as infuriating as that may be, there is nothing I can do about that.  Born with a uterus and a wild neurological makeup, in a mammalian sentient collection of flesh and bones… what’s a creative, ambitious girlie to do?? 🙈

So this is a love note I wrote a few weeks ago and have not had the capacity to share yet, and I wonder now, on a very wobbly day, if it is all in perfect timing because now the message gets to be for the both of us. I was in the remembering and now I’m in the forgetting, and I need to trust I will be in the remembering once again. Maybe once I’m finished bleeding and proper solo parenting…

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So here is a poem, an essay, a love note? 

On Enough-ness and the Remembering

I have spent my life rushing to get to the next thing, to feel accomplished in an external, measurable way. To be deemed successful and organised and sorted in the way I thought we are supposed to be. To appear on the outside as much of a clever and capable adult as I feel on the inside (at least some of the time).

And it has only led to self critique, frustration and a feeling of not enough-ness.

We’re over halfway through the calendar year (what is time anyway?) and I have been truly fortunate enough to be in a coaching experience with Sammie Fleming and the beautiful group she gathered for Expansion since the start of the year.

In our closing circle, when asked to reflect on what we are proud of and what we are celebrating about ourselves, I tried to think of tangible, professional outcomes I had achieved. It was a default reaction to start with things I could measure.

But that is not the season I have been in. Not by a long shot. In fact it has been the most challenging season of business and (mental wellness) I’ve had in years.

So I actively chose to look deeper.

To try and acknowledge the enormity of my current season.  The life altering transitions I have been navigating. The gut-wrenching grief and uncertainty I have moved with, the abounding joy and playfulness I have found, and the uncomfortable vulnerability and deep self inquiry I have chosen to engage with.

And I have realised once again that this has been a time (and in some ways will continue to be)* of deep, challenging, confusing, permission-finding groundwork. 

*PRESENT DAY NOTE: What a fkn understatement 😅 it is definitely not ‘over’ or neatly concluded, the rollercoaster continues…

Questioning and rebuilding the foundations of what it means to be myself, to be human, to show up in all of my roles, not just my business ones.  I am remembering and trying to offer myself radical self compassion around navigating uncertain foundations. 

Remembering that reimagining your foundations or even just surviving your nuanced situation, can take a lot of you. In fact it might take all of you. 

Remembering that it can be hard to show up and create and sell in the ways you want to and enjoy doing, whilst holding so many layers of being a human and attempting to do it with kindness and reverence and pattern shifting awareness.

I forget my human-ness all the time.

It may be a characteristic of my neural pathways, I’m not sure, but I tend to forget about the bigness of what I have been doing or navigating or feeling.  My humanness.  I hold such honouring, compassionate space for my clients, friends, family, seeing all the layers of their experience and yet I often can’t see my own. Or don’t allow myself to.

So with that I am writing this down, here and now. To be deeply fkn present with myself and so wildly proud of myself for continuing to show up for the uncomfortable conversations, for trying to be honest with myself even when it calls into question everything I thought I knew. For changing my mind, for letting stuff go, for giving up on some things, for going all in on other things, for choosing play and joy and rest and presence over commercial gain. For accepting help over and over again, even when it feels like it reinforces my limitations instead of honouring the reality of the season (and the economy, to be honest eek).

I am drawing the line in the sand of my soul.

I am turning yet another corner, unearthing another layer, remembering another deep knowing, choose whatever existential metaphor you like. In that moment, surrounded by an intimate, courageous, healthy, truthful group of humans, I came home to myself again.

I was held and seen and heard, again. And it’s ok to need that, and it’s ok to need it again and again in the future. Even tomorrow.*

*PRESENT DAY NOTE: Or in a months time when your cycle surprises you and you feel like you have no fkn idea what you're doing even though deep down you really really do…

I am writing this note here to remind myself (and maybe you) that we can’t always hold ALL of our roles and areas at the same level, and that maybe that is a myth we’ve been conditioned to subscribe to. And that it’s ok that my roles and areas and goals can take turns in the spotlight, whether it's conscious or not. 

I'm wondering if control really is an illusion.

If maybe we’ll never really feel completely ‘in control’ or organised or like we’ve got our shit together in EVERY single area. And maybe I can offer myself permission to aim for one or two at a time, and to let them take turns, and to only subscribe to spaces and structures that encourage me and help me feel supported rather than scattered and over-stretched.

PRESENT DAY NOTE: And if we zoom all the way out, I urge us to remember that feeling not good enough, over-stretched, over-worked and under paid is exactly how neurotypical capitalism and patriarchal motherhood want us to feel, so we don't have time or capacity to question the system or the billionaires. Those sneaky bastards are clever if nothing else…

Caregiving is work. Grief is work. Pattern rewiring is work. Recovery is work.

Maybe ‘close enough for now’, really is ‘good enough now’.

Maybe we are already enough and everything else is a welcome bonus.

And maybe the intangible, immeasurable efforts are just as valuable as the tangible ones, even if I can’t see the profit margin easily.  

In this moment, I’m remembering that recovery efforts, caring work, rebuilding foundations and rewriting generational patterns are all worthy, important and valuable work, even if my bank statement might say otherwise sometimes.

I offer you the same reminder. And I am sending you so much love and compassion and honouring, no matter what season you’re navigating right now.

We can be grateful, safe and privileged and also be uneasy, adrift and frustrated, everything is welcome here.

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Well there you go. I guess that really was for both of us huh? 🫠

It feels cruel that we can forget our magic, but that’s why we need each other, right? Thankfully I am privileged to be in Sammie’s program for a second time and literally this morning we had a conversation about remembering the tools that help, and as I wrote and spoke out my overwhelm, I talked my way through to compassion and clarity.

So as per her encouragement, I’m going home to write myself a postcard that says ‘Talking Helps’, and will stick it on every door and mirror in my home.

I hope my little time-travel-love-note experiment has been supportive for you too, and maybe a reminder that no matter how magical we are, we can all forget sometimes.

Talking helps. Support helps. Play helps.

With you in the mess and the magic.

So much love, Sarah x

PS. Please tell me I'm not alone in the forgetting and the remembering?

How's your season going? What reminders do you need to stick on your door, or maybe your hand 😝 

I'm super needy today (everyday?) so feel free to reply and tell me you're with me in the mess or the magic, or both, or say hello on Insta or LinkedIn :)

May your dishes magically clean themselves and your clothes wander back into your wardrobe on their own xx